So my bank sent me an email yesterday that contained this lovely little tidbit of info:

"...we have been informed...that an unauthorized person...accessed files that included e-mail addresses of some customers. We have a team investigating and we are confident that the information that was retrieved included some customer e-mail addresses, but did not include any customer account or financial information. Based on everything we know, your accounts and confidential information remain secure. As always, we are advising our customers of everything we know as we know it, and will keep you informed on what impact, if any, this will have on you."

Of course, being a good, card-carrying 21st century American, upon hearing that an institution in whom I had placed my trust in the care and keeping of assets that are valuable to me had been compromised, regardless to what degree, I had but one thought: How can I use this to cash in? So I called my branch and explained how very, very traumatized I was by this development...

ME: I am traumatized by this development.
BANK REP: We're very sorry and as the email mentioned, we have no reason to believe your account is at risk but we're continuing to monitor the situation and will keep you updated.
ME: Very, very traumatized.
BANK REP: Again, we're very sorry. But honestly, you should try to relax. You may see some increased SPAM in your email, and that's certainly an annoyance, but beyond that we have no reason to believe your assets are in any danger whatsoever.
ME: Yeah, but what about a little...you know, something for my pain and suffering. A little, um, you know. Some restitution of some sort. To help ease my traumatization.
BANK REP: Well, uh...what do you have in mind?
ME: I would like a refrigerator magnet. A new one!
BANK REP: A magnet? That's what you want?
ME: Not just a magnet. A calendar magnet. With the schedules of all the area sports teams on it. I don't expect you to get the approval of any major league sports leagues so I understand it won't have official team logos on it but there's no reason the different teams can't be represented by individual colors.
BANK REP: Umm...
ME: And I don't want individual pages for each month that have to be torn off because those just curl up and make my refrigerator look unsightly. I want the schedules printed out in a big grid on one single panel of the magnet. I realize that this will either result in a very large magnet or printing so small that it will be impossible to read but I'm willing to work around either of those conditions.
BANK REP: I'm not sure we have anything like that on hand. How about a sports bottle, with our logo on it?
ME: No way! I don't want a sports bottle. I would actually use that. I want something that I will put on display as a constant reminder of what almost could have happened but that I will not actually look at ever again. A refrigerator magnet suits that purpose like nothing else.
BANK REP: Actually, I have a refrigerator magnet here in my office. It doesn't have any sports schedules on it, but you can have it if you want?
ME: Hmmm...
BANK REP: It's got a phone number for Dominos on it.
ME: Deal.