Showing posts with label Rant n' Roll. Show all posts

Capped off

Cappy's, a local (Tampa) pizza place, finds itself at the center of controversy after posting a sign in their restaurant that says this:
"For the comfort and safety of everybody, if you allow your child to run, scream or misbehave, you will be asked to leave."
Does that seem unreasonable to you? It doesn't to me. But people took offense. Big time:

"Cappy's Seminole Heights looks like a place that would cater to young children! There are vintage video games (Pac Man, etc) next to the windows. There are shadowboxes at the tables with vintage toys inside. In theory, Cappy's would be a great place to take your kids, but I think the owner is making parents less welcome."
"...they have no patience for parents with kids who make too much noise, etc....it pretty much guarantees that I won't be going back."
"Asking parents to make sure their kids behave is not a problem. Banning kids before they have had a chance to show they can behave IS. Like it or not, they are a part of our human family and treating them like they are unwanted or sub-human goes against decent acceptable human behavior."
"...Who wants to take their kids into a restaurant where they know that from the moment they sit down until the time they leave they will remain under a constant surveillance? And that's exactly what it would feel like....I don't care how subtle or non-invasive the surveillance is, it is still surveillance and it sucks. Just rule kids out completely if you're not interested in them as patrons in your establishment."
"...nice for Cappy's but they should remember that today's kids are also tomorrow's customers. Ban kids now and see who comes back in a few years."
"Even families with well behaved child are going to feel uneasy, like all eye are on them."

These and many, many more comments can be found at the end of this article from the Tampa Bay Times.

For what it's worth, I don't see how the sign in question bans children, any more than a sign stating that people who fart will be asked to leave would ban folks with buttholes. It's a warning, simply letting you know what kind of behavior won't be tolerated and what the circumstances will be if that behavior is exhibited. I think if you feel this sign is oppresses you, you're looking for something to oppress you.
Another thing I don't see is how toys and games on display are a license for children to turn into maniacs. I know who the people who make that connection are though. I once had a job at a toy store in a strip mall and it was a common occurrence for parents to drop the kids off there while they shopped elsewhere, like it was a daycare center. So I know there are a lot of those people out there who make that equation. It doesn't mean they're right though. When they go to a country restaurant or BBQ joint that has old tools and hardware displayed on the wall, do they let their kids go out back and build a barn?

What the dissenters would have you believe is that this isn't an issue of personal responsibility; it's discrimination against children. That's much more sinister, isn't it? It's not about you keeping your kids under control, it's that the people who run this restaurant hate kids.
Well, I don't believe Cappy's hates kids, but I do. Huh? Yes! Exclusively in the context of what we're talking about here; me, without kids, dining out, spending money, not wanting to be subjected to children who can't or won't behave in public, oh yeah, I hate kids. Not all kids, just these particular kids in this scenario, the ones ruining my night out. And not all the time. I'm not going to follow them home and set their house on fire or vote against things that would benefit their well-being for the rest of my life or anything like that. But there, at the restaurant, screaming and running around? Oh yeah, I hate 'em. I hate them and I'm sitting there, wishing with all my might that something terrible will happen to them. That's about as far as I'm taking my hatred though. Maybe I won't throw them into a deep fryer myself but if they happen to fall in there somehow, I'm not running to get help. Hey, my meal is ruined; I should be allowed to at least fantasize about something that I would enjoy. Remember the old saying about giving someone something to scream about? Doing an impression of a corndog qualifies.
More importantly, if they're your kids (biologically or otherwise), I hate you and I am sitting there hoping that something really bad happens to you. Because ultimately, it's not really their fault, is it? No, it's yours. So mostly you. If you fall in the deep fryer, I'm not only withholding aid and assistance, I'm videotaping it to put on YouTube (looped repeatedly, in slow motion, with Yakety Sax as the soundtrack) plus the smell is going to make me hungry for onion rings.

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Let me be perfectly clear...

I made this joke Wednesday...

"Yesterday, Amendment 1 passed and the Flyers were eliminated. Evil splits the doubleheader"
.
And someone I went to middle school(!) with got upset and posted the following response on my Facebook wall...

"There are 30 other states that have similar laws in their constitutions. It's petty to call people who believe in traditional marriage evil, just as much as saying they hate people who think differently. God will judge me on whether I'm evil, not you or any other human being."


Well, this is terrible and I feel awful about it so please allow me to clear things up.

There's been a lot of discussion about gay marriage lately and people are pretty fired up about the matter. I kind of thought that assigning the label of "evil" simultaneously to the issue and a hockey team would clearly illustrate that I was making a joke. But by chiming in at all, I apparently presented myself as an enthusiastic supporter of gay people getting married.

That is not the case.

I do not enthusiastically support gay people getting married. I also don't enthusiastically support straight people getting married. For that matter, I'm also not opposed to any of these people getting married. Further, I don't do much of anything at all enthusiastically.  



My belief is simply that in spite of how certain characteristics might define an individual, people are basically the same and I believe in treating them the same. Or equal. Equal rights, equal responsibilities, equal rewards when they do something well and equal punishment when they screw up. Anything less qualifies as oppression to me and I'm not a fan of that, regardless of how many states choose to interpret it differently and whether or not it's backed by any kind of faith-based belief system. Beyond that, whatever people do (with the so-obvious-it-shouldn't-even-have-to-be-stated-yet-here-I-am caveat that it not harm others) is their business and my interest drops considerably. Where it falls completely off the table is when somebody tries to convince me that I'm wrong, or that they're more right than I am. That's when there isn't a scale that could accurately measure how many shits I don't give. And as far as wanting to judge you? You've got me all wrong there; something like that requires waaaaay more effort and attention than I'm even willing to talk about, let alone do.

So I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to say I'm sorry if you got bent out of shape when I flippantly referred to you and your beliefs as evil. I'm not going to do that because, well, I don't think it's necessary and also I just don't feel like it, but thanks for not challenging that description being applied to the NHL's  Philadelphia Flyers, which is at least equally as silly. Because that's a viewpoint I actually will enthusiastically support.

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Fish Will Walk!

We as a society should take a second at some point to pat ourselves on the back for all the advances we've made in being sensitive and rational about things. There's still work to do but it does seem like we're chipping away at some of the stupidity that exists for stupidity's sake.
For example, stupid bureaucracy was still alive and well in the Carrollton, Ohio school district until recently. That's where Carrollton High senior Austin Fisher was being denied the privilege of participating in commencement ceremonies with his senior class because he had accrued 16 unexcused absences, two more than is allowed by district guidelines. The reason he missed those 16 days is because he was caring for his mother who is battling breast cancer. As the only other member of their household, Austin had to take his mom to and from appointments and provide other care for her. When she became too sick to work, he took two part-time jobs to help with expenses. The school district initially said that's nice, but, well, sorry kid, rules is rules. But after an online awareness campaign, including the obligatory Facebook group, brought national attention to the matter, somebody decided to take a look at the situation. A meeting was scheduled with Austin and his mom to discuss matters and afterward, the school district issued the following statement:

“Representatives from Carrollton Exempted Village School District had the opportunity to meet with Teresa and Austin Fisher earlier today (April 16). At that meeting, Teresa Fisher provided additional information to school administrators concerning Austin’s absences, which had not been previously provided to the district. Based on this new information and after careful consideration by school officials and the Board of Education, it was decided that Austin would be permitted to participate in commencement.


In the interest of all of Carrollton’s students, the District and Teresa Fisher ask that the community respect their decision and that everyone move forward. Carrollton Schools is a great place to work and learn and we do not want to be sidetracked from our mission of educating children.”


So, good job everybody! We're getting a little smarter every day!

(If this situation hadn't been resolved favorably, I would have posted all kinds of links to petitions and Facebook and whatnot. But since we don't have to worry about that now, I'll only post one, where you can make a donation to the American Cancer Society via Relay For Life. Thanks in advance!)

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Let's not do the time warp again

It's Wednesday and if you live in a place that adjusts clocks to comply with Daylight Savings Time, you're probably still having trouble adjusting to the time change that happened this past Saturday night. Every year, twice a year, it's the same old annoying things:
  • Trouble sleeping and waking up - One hour either way shouldn't have that much of an impact but it totally does. It feels like you're going to bed much later, getting up much earlier or vice versa. Either way, it knocks you for a loop and you feel tired and irritable for days afterward.
  • Adjusting your routine - The stuff you do when you're awake gets screwed up too. Never mind how darkness when it's supposed to be light (or vice versa) screws with your mind. How about just trying to figure out just how many time pieces you have that need to be updated and how to do it. Not just clocks and watches but microwave ovens and timers and stuff like that. Does your computer and cell phone do it automatically? Probably...but do you always rely on those devices to do what they're supposed to do without checking on them? I called someone at 6:00AM on Sunday to ask what time it is. "Your phone should automatically update itself", she said. I told her I don't trust machines. I heard some static that sounded like someone swearing into a pillow, a loud click and she was gone, further validating my lack of faith in gadgets. Also, odds are that your car radio clock doesn't have a one-button option for that. It's more likely that you have to push two different buttons until something flashes and then you have to simultaneously turn a dial with some other appendage. Once you get it done, you'll immediately forget how you did it and be in the same boat again in six months.
  • General confusion - Is now Daylight Savings Time or is that what just ended? I have such a tenuous grasp of so many aspects of day-to-day life sometimes.
  • Bitching - Every year, everybody complains about it. Including me. That might be the worst aspect of the whole thing. There's not a lot of point to complaining about something that everybody is dealing with and that probably isn't going to change. Although, it seems to me that there's a little extra edge to the complaints this time, what seems like real genuine anger. I don't know if that's because we're all just exponentially angry about everything or if people are finally just truly fed up with the whole thing.

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Hyperbole must die!

There's an internet meme called "breading". What is it? Well, I'm very glad you asked. Because what it is is tearing a small hole in a piece of bread, putting it on your cat's head, taking a picture of it and posting it on line, as seen in the accompanying photograph:


(Note: This is NOT my cat)

Is it unquestionably pointless and irredeemably stupid? Yep.


Is it anything else? Nope.


But that doesn't stop people on Facebook from having really unnecessarily strong opinions about it...

"These cats don't look very happy a few look down right scared." - somebody named Teresa


"How sad." - somebody named Chris


"Really? Really? The cats don't think it's funny." - somebody named Janet


"Nice that some people have food to waste while others are starving" - somebody named Christine

Even though it's not my thing, I know there are a lot of people who get a big kick out of being righteously indignant. And if getting all worked up about cats with a piece of bread on their heads at the expense of all the starving people without bread to put on their heads keeps them from straying off and casting judgment on what's right and wrong about which people are sticking what objects into whichever other people's orifices, then by all means, have at it. I don't think the cats are in any serious discomfort but if couching it as anti-cruelty to animals helps, even better (Do I think the cats like it? No, probably not. I don't put bread on my cats heads. They do like chewing on electric wires and I don't let them do that. Come at me, Sarah McLachlan!). Of course, somebody always has to take it just a bit too far...

"This is why America is in trouble......stupid idiots have nothing better to do" - somebody named Linda

I'm not even going to comment on the obvious irony of someone taking time to sit down and comment on the internet about idiots (the stupid kind) with nothing better to do. But I am going to take issue with their basic premise; that being if people who put bread on cat's heads would simply apply themselves, we could eliminate poverty, health problems and the Westboro Baptist Church.

I'm sorry, but people who make proclomations about what's wrong with America are what's wrong with America.

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Hateny

Jeff walks into a room where Michael is sitting.
MICHAEL: Whoa, look at you! Why are you all dressed up?
JEFF: I have a date tonight.
MICHAEL: You’re kidding. Who would go out with you?
JEFF: Your sister.
And with that, we’re off on what could turn out to be a rollicking situation comedy adventure. Or it might turn out to be another tedious trudge through territory we’ve visited countless times before. But after only four lines of dialogue, we’ve met two characters, Jeff and Michael. We’ve gotten a glimpse into their relationship, although we don’t know what their relationship is; are they co-workers? Friends? Siblings (ew)? We’ve established a source of conflict that the characters will have to resolve. We’ve even gotten our first “joke”. As you can see, it’s a format that’s very easy to navigate for the lazy writer. It’s a format that unfortunately spews forth things like “Whitney”.
Before we go any further, I feel like I need to state that not all sitcoms are garbage. This same genre also gave us “Cheers”, “Seinfeld”, “Taxi” and literally too many truly great shows to mention. This might be an overly obvious statement but I think that not making it puts this little rant at risk of being seen as yet another pretentious, highbrow, already-done-to death screed against television.
Even more important, let me state that over the last year or so, I have made a conscious effort to cut down on “hating” stuff that other people might enjoy. That’s because I realized it takes a special kind of judgmental, arrogant jerk to intentionally piss all over the source of another individual’s happiness and I’m a bad enough person as it is that I don’t need to add that element to the stew. Here’s a link to an excellent article at Cracked.com that does a good job of illustrating what I’m talking about. I came to this realization after something I wrote here resulted in an uncharacteristically bitter exchange between me and a friend that I still feel bad about, even though those fences have long-since been mended. Who needs that? It’s taken a long time to get to the point where I accept that an individual’s tastes are subjective and are no indication of superiority or inferiority. And while I still use this place to criticize and condemn things I don’t like, and probably always will, I try to do so in a rational, civil manner, offering thought-out reasons for feeling the way I do and never with the primary intent of hurting anyone’s feelings.
All of this is to say that in spite of everything, I hate the show “Whitney” and I don’t care whose feelings are hurt. If you like it, I’m sorry…and I mean that sincerely; I really am…but you like a shitty tv show. It doesn’t make me feel good to say that.
What’s worse than me hating it is that I like to hate it. I’d miss it if were to be cancelled. I don’t have a chance to see it every week, but when I do, I sit down and watch it from start to finish. And I hate every single second of it. That can’t be healthy, can it? I wouldn’t think so, but man oh man it feels sooooo good.
"Whitney" is a situation comedy about a woman and her boyfriend as they navigate the wacky world of modern relationships. They love each other and live together but they don't want to get married. I told you it was wacky! Here's some highlights for a recent episode, which is exactly like every other episode.
Here's the boyfriend and Whitney at a bar. I think she's wincing in anticipation of all the groans she's about to induce.

"Whine, whine, moan, moan, men and women are so different"

"Are those my tights?" (this is the actual 'joke' being delivered here)

Ha ha! What a funny dress! Ha ha! What funny socks!

These are two other characters. I don't know their names. In this scene, they've just learned that they do not have sexually transmitted diseases. Seriously.

"I need to learn to shut up some times" (Actual dialogue, spoken about 15 minutes too late)

Fantasy dream sequence...more like a nightmare, because she doesn't want to get married because that wouldn't be wacky.

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Almost human

"Squeeeeee!"
I've come to the conclusion that the people in McDonald's commercials are too strange to be...people.
They're close. They look like people. They sound like people. They sort of act like people, but something there is skewed. Of course, they're amped up, way more excited about eating McDonald's than anybody should...or would...ever be. But that's something you see in almost any commercial; it's not like going to Best Buy is that exciting either.
No, It's more in the way that they try to do and say things that real people do but they just can't seem to get it quite right. They're people the way captchas are words. Those little nonsensical blurbs that some web sites make you type to verify the fact that you're an actual human being (!) have all the elements of words...but they're just made-up gibberish.
Good luck trying to play that in "Words With Friends"
A perfect example is an ad for Chicken McNuggets I keep hearing on the radio (a quick aside: at this point, for McDonald's to keep referring to those things as chicken is equal parts admirable and infuriating). It goes like this (I don't have the exact script so I'm going to paraphrase slightly, but this is damn close):


MALE: Gyuuurrrrm (This is supposed to sound like an airplane [that will make sense in a second]. If you're ever on an airplane that spunds like this, it either has a serious mechanical problem or Helen Keller is giving the pre-flight briefing. Either way, get off that plane immediately.)
FEMALE: What are you doing?
MALE: I'm playing McDonald's Airport (See above).
FEMALE: What?
MALE: McDonald's Airport. See, I can't decide which sauce to dunk them in so each one is going to a different destination.
FEMALE: Wow. This is actually happening!


No. No, it isn't. It isn't happening because it would never happen.
The MALE can't figure out what kind of sauce best complements his processed chicken-esque lumps, because they're all so delicious, that he can't choose one, so he doesn't choose one, instead deciding to play a game of Airport...because he thinks this is how airports work. Like people go to the airport, hop on the first plane they come across and fly it to wherever it ends up.

"So I guess I work in...I don't know...Tucson, maybe?"
The FEMALE's response to this isn't something a human being would say either, such as, "have you suffered a massive head trauma?" or "how many of those things have you eaten?" No, it's something that's supposed to sound detached/snarky-slangy/ironic because that's what the humans are doing these days, right?

Exactly.
This conversation as scripted would never, ever take place between two upright-walking sentient beings capable of expressing themselves vocally. This is proof that these are not humans. They sort of recognize what human behavior is but are unable to replicate it themselves.
I don't know about you but these are not the beings I want handling my nuggets.

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2011, The most extremiest year of extremes yet!



Some things about this past year were really great while other things really sucked. That makes 2011 truly unique, just like every other year ever. However, I'm not going to waste anyone's time with yet another year-in-review list. That's because, unlike past years, I think everything can be summed up with two names: Charlie Sheen and Tim Tebow. 
As we race headlong toward more and more radical extremes (We are the lunatic fringe because, guess what? It's ALL fringe!) there aren't two more perfect individuals to symbolize who we are and what we stand for. Like Batman and the Joker, Tim and Charlie would appear to be polar opposites, yet they do share some common ground. 
In Charlie, we have the embodiment of the reckless and nihilistic pursuit of fame and self satisfaction whose every antic is documented.
In Tim, we have the throwback to kindler, gentler, more humble, more pious ideals that people who miss the 1950s are always touting.
Yes, the twin ambassadors of 2011 really have nothing in common on the surface. However, both are mocked openly for the views they express and both have a large percentage of followers who would like nothing better than to see them fail spectacularly.
What could possibly be a better lead-in to 2012, a presidential election year?

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Isn't "like" good enough sometimes?

My favorite baseball player right now...well, is not currently a baseball player. Pitcher Dirk Hayhurst was released by the Tampa Bay Rays organization Monday (August 30th). he had been a member of the Rays top minor league affiliate, the Durham Bulls. It didn't hurt that he was a member of my favorite team but a bigger reason why he's my favorite is because he's published a book which I really enjoyed, "The Bullpen Gospels", about his life and his career in the game of baseball. It's drawn favorable comparisons to the legendary "Ball Four" by Jim Bouton. That's because ALL baseball books written as first person narratives are required to be compared to "Ball Four" as it is (justifiably) the gold standard of that genre. And also because "The Bullpen Gospels" is very, very good and is about much more than the game of baseball, which I was pleasantly surprised to find out. Where Hayhurst differs from Bouton is that in "Ball Four", Bouton sums up not only his book but his entire life with the final line 
"You spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time.”
Hayhurst doesn't feel that way. At all. Here's Hayhurst's philosophy (in the form of advice to youngsters) from a recent post on his blog at dirkhayhurst.com:
“This is a great job, and I have a lot of fun doing it. But it’s not sum total of my being. If you want to do it, you’ll have to work really hard and make a lot of sacrifices. Maybe, when you’re older, you’ll get a chance to play it, too. If not, that’s OK, because you live for the love of life, and this is just another fun experience to try as you make your way.”
This is liable to anger or at least disappoint a lot of sports fans who want their athletes to chew bubble gum and say "gee whiz, I'd play the game fer nuthin' if they'd let me!" because they would like to believe that's what they'd say if they were in that position. But if they really thought about it, they'd realize that they're probably not being honest with themselves. Life's way too complicated. Things like following sports allow us to forget that fact for short periods of time but it never stops being true. What's funny about the people who will take issue with Hayhurst's view is that they're probably the same people who get disappointed when athletes don't sign autographs or otherwise act like they're above engaging with fans like "real" people. How much more "real" can you get than pulling back the curtain and admitting that playing a game for a living isn't all...well, playing games? No offense to the Ernie Banks-types, who get a charge out of stepping on a baseball field every time they do so and who undoubtedly exist, but there's nothing wrong with taking a slightly less enthusiastic and ultimately more pragmatic approach to it. Seems to me one could irreparably harm a youngster's attitude towards whatever vocation they find themselves in eventually, even if that vocation is in sports, to paint sports as something more than it is. After all, if someone is raised to believe that a career as a professional athlete is the end-all, be-all, everything else is, by definition, beneath that. How is that person supposed to grow up and take pride and satisfaction in doing something else? On the other hand, if that child is in that tiny percentile that does make it as a professional athlete and they're less than enthralled with the experience for whatever reason, what the hell are they supposed to think?
I for one appreciate Hayhurst's honesty. Knowing that there are ballplayers who see what they do simply as a pretty good way to pay the light bill doesn't hamper my ability to enjoy watching them play. If anything, it adds a dimension to what takes place on the field while simultaneously removing a layer of separation between us (fans) and them (players). Also, I'm someone who has found himself in jobs I've loved and jobs I've hated. What they both shared is that neither deserved the emotion I was investing in them. They sure didn't love me as much as I loved them. The hate ones, maybe...
So I appreciate Hayhurst's honesty as well as the reminder to keep things in proper perspective. And that's REALLY why he's my favorite player. Even if he's not technically a player right now.

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So sorry if Hurricane Irene disappointed you

Some people believe that all the worrying about Hurricane Irene was nothing but a bunch of overblown, paranoic hype. So after decades of fear-mongering for fun and profit, too much hurricane preparation is where we're choosing to draw a line and get upset?
Okay, fine.
But just for the sake of perspective, I'd like to point out that when a potentially catastrophic tropical storm fails to deliver the expected level of catastrophiness, you end up with some extra bottled water and canned goods. However, when it does live up to the billing, you end up with this...




So heat up a can of SpaghettiO's and shut your yap.

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Talkin' loud and sayin' nothing: a pet peeve

If I have any kind of agenda that I'm trying to push with this blog, any attempt to try to influence the thinking of others, it's to look for and question the things you're presented in day-to-day life that are supposed to be taken seriously at their face value but are, in actuality, really stupid and a thinly-veiled insult to your intelligence. The best, and most irritating example I can think of is a wildly popular phrase that's liable to be touted by almost anybody who provides any kind of public and/or professional service:

It could be just about anybody whose services you've paid for, even athletes and entertainers. When somebody says "We're going to take it to The Next Level", you think, "Oh good, I'm glad they're doing that! That's a benefit for me!" They're trying to tell you that they're going to do something better and they're using dynamic, powerful language to convey that message. I know you're busy and don't necessarily have time to decipher every mindless slogan somebody blasts you in the face with every day. But think about it for just a second...why do they need to "take it to the next level"? Probably because the level at which they've been performing isn't good enough and people are starting to catch on. Their hope is that if they imply that they'll make things a little better, it will be enough to keep you satisfied. But if they're capable of taking it to the next level now by just saying so, why didn't they do it before? This isn't something they should be bragging about, it's something they should be apologizing for. And if there are levels, why don't they just skip all of the ones that aren't at the very top? Unless the next level is the one labeled "ULTIMATE, ABSOLUTE BEST", why should we care? Besides, to what are they actually committing by just throwing this statement out there? Their hope is that it sounds so dynamic and powerful that you'll assume that they're so fired-up and go-getter-y that you won't even ask that question. It's just empty phraseology designed to throw you off their scent for a while, giving them time to think of what to say next time.
Maybe I'm being overly cynical and there are those who are committed to improvement. It's just that I'm much less inclined to doubt their sincerity if they say exactly what it is they're going to do and not just bop me on the head with some open-ended catchphrase.

Think about it in the context of your kid bringing home a bad report card...

"These grades are terrible!"
"I know (looks at floor, shuffles feet)."
"Why? You're not stupid. Are you just goofing off in class?"
"I dunno (continues feet shuffling)."
"Well, what are you going to do about it? Because this is totally unacceptable."
"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL!"
"Okay. And what does that mean?"
"The Next Level! I'm taking it there!"
"So...you're going to do better?"
"You bet!"
"How?"
"By taking my approach to my academic career to The Next Level!"
"I still don't know what that's supposed to mean."
"The Next Level!"
"All right, specifically does 'The Next Level' involve paying attention in class and finishing your homework before you watch tv?"
"..."
"Because if not, I'm not interested in 'The Next Level'."
"Well, it is what is."

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And so it begins

Kevin Beckner is one of two Democrats currently serving on the board of commissioners for Hillsborough County. His seat will be up for election in November 2012. The St. Petersburg Times is reporting that a new political attack blog has been launched and that Beckner is the first target.
The headline of the very first blog post, dated August 5th, is "Kevin Beckner’s Net Worth Surges While Serving on County Commission". It goes on to state that property owned by Beckner has increased significantly in value since he was elected to the commission in 2009 and implies that something nefarious is afoot due in large part to the unavailability of public records. Beckner, who is gay, shares his home with his partner Hillsborough County Sheriff deputy Sgt. Gil Sainz. State law allows law enforcement officers to shield their home addresses as a safety measure.
As reported by the Times, Beckner "as a commissioner...has been vocal, generally siding with board majorities that have pressed for spending cuts". The Times goes on to say "He has advocated gay rights issues, such as domestic partner benefits. But his signature effort to date has been a campaign to get first-time juvenile offenders into a diversion program that spares them a criminal record. He also has led other police-friendly initiatives, such as an approved crackdown on pill mills and a proposal to go after people who commit insurance fraud by staging stage car crashes." Not exactly the kind of standard 'radical liberal' stuff that usually causes conservatives to froth at the mouth. In fact, the juvenile offenders program mentioned above is something strongly backed by Beckner's colleague on the board, Mark Sharpe, a conservative Republican.





Okay, there IS the whole gay thing.
Now, in the interest of transparency, I did vote for Beckner and as it stands right now, I expect to do so again. But before anybody gets the wrong idea, this is in no way to suggest that Kevin Beckner should run unopposed in the next election. It's not even necessarily an endorsement.
So what's my point? Simply that we, and I mean all of us, can't afford to be appointing or retaining our public servants on anything other than what they bring to the job. Not anymore. Things are just too bad to screw around. As far as Beckner is concerned, if somebody else can do a better job, my ears are open. Let's hear it. I'm sure Mr. Beckner himself would say that hs isn't perfect. At least I hope so. If there's somebody out there who thinks they can do a better job, let them speak up. As far as I'm concerned, that's the approach we all need to take for every single election.
At the same time this is going on, many of my left-leaning friends are deconstructing the just-completed Iowa Straw Poll with insights about how Michelle Bachmann is funny looking. The elections are 15 months away and I feel like I'm at a ballgame, sitting right between the two most obnoxious fans in the park while all I want is for somebody to explain why I can't afford to buy a hot dog. And I know it's only going to get worse.




Pictured: aggregative democracy.
I know, I know. "That's politics". There's no sense in whining about it because if we really wanted more than that from our leaders and the process itself, we'd demand it. And if we really demanded it, we'd get it. I just hate to think that when people look back at the moment when America jumped the shark (a moment that many believe has already happened), it was when my generation was on duty and we let it happen in large part because we abdicated our responsibility and allowed our most important issues to not only be influenced by, but decided on the most superficial and ultimately meaningless circumstances.
That, and cripes, it's going to be a loooong 15 months.

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The Tea Party will save us from the terrors of the briny deep!



You're gonna need a bigger exploding train

They're known by many names around these parts.
Sea Cows
The Silent Killers
Nature's Perfect Predators
Floating Voldemorts
Manatees.
That's right, the most lethal creature in the known universe, responsible for death and dismemberment on a truly horrific scale. Ever wonder why there are no more pirates?
Manatees.
They're like sharks, only in the water!
All of mankind's previous attempts to fight back and stem the bloodlust of the manatee have met with failure. Boats, boats full of explosives and that one admittedly ill-advised time they tried catapulting a train full of exploding boats. Nothing has worked. Manatees have had it too good for too long! Well, now, FINALLY, a group that knows how to get things done is stepping up! Of course, I'm talking about (who else?) The Tea Party! A faction of the group in Citrus County is opposing new restrictions on boating and other activities in Kings Bay, parts of which have been a federal wildlife reserve since 1980, that have been proposed by the bastards at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. The new rules would eliminate the "summer water sport zone", which currently allows for boats full of drunken boobs to careen through Kings Bay at high speeds.

Who speaks for the poor, the oppressed, the assholes? The Tea Party, that's who!
If these new rules are approved, all of Kings Bay would become a refuge and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service stormtroopers will be enabled to establish closed areas or other rules anywhere in the bay, as situations arise. Currently, it's estimated that upwards of 550 manatees inhabit Kings Bay year round, with even more activity taking place during the colder winter months. Federal officials would be allowed to set up temporary no-entry areas lasting up to two weeks if a cold front hits before the manatee season begins, or after the manatee season has closed, to prevent them from being harmed in Kings Bay. 

Behold the fuzzy faces of oppression.
Enter Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, a woman whose interests include speaking out against socialism and taking young girls' little dogs for bike rides.

She's not going to fight this egregious tyranny with standard tactics like reasoned, fact-based arguments.  Nope, ol' Edna is pulling out the big guns!
"We cannot elevate nature above people. That's against the Bible and the Bill of Rights. They want to restrict the entire bay. They don't want people here."

"Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me. Anything you wanna say, Snooty?" -- Matthew 26:21
"Guys, I could give two shits about women and darkies; but how are we going to protect future generations against the manatee apocalypse?!?"
Sweet James Madison carrying two stone tablets from Mount Horeb to Philadelphia on a SeaDoo, she's right! Fuck nature! Until we can have Slurpees blasted directly into our gaping maws right out of Ol' Faithful at the soon-to-be-built 7-Eleven at Yellowstone Park, our God-given constitutional right to run over slow-moving indigenous aquatic creatures in a speedboat are at risk! To illustrate that point, she went on to point out how this issue, as terrifyingly serious as it is all by itself, is merely a small piece of a far more sinister plot...

"We believe that (federal regulators') aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit. … As most of us know, this all ties in to the United Nations' Agenda 21 and Sustainability...If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

Right after controlling the fish and wildlife, tapping our phones is the U.N.'s highest priority.
So there you have it; comets didn't kill the dinosaurs; some brave, forward-thinking, take-no-federal-wildlife-or-United-Nations-bullshit prehistoric Tea Party organism of some sort (since dinosaurs and anything remotely human missed crawling around at the same time on earth by, oh, about 61 million years or so) did! And thank goodness for that organism's direct descendants, like Edna Mattos. Because while you might think it would be fun to live in Jurassic Park, just remember that if the Feds had anything to say about it, it would be some lame Jurassic Park with a "No Wake" zone.

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A verdict on The Verdict


I made some comments on Twitter yesterday about the Casey Anthony trial and I'd like to take a minute to elaborate. To which you say:
"Hey monkey boy, we ain't payin' you for your insights on the judicial system or pithy perspective on the ills of society at large. Get back to dancin'!"
Well, if my Google AdSense stats are any indication, you aren't paying me for anything so I'm going trudge along. Thanks.

Parents who work hard and struggle to be responsible and raise their children are understandably upset. And nobody likes seeing somebody commit a crime, lie, cheat and get away with it, especially when they're stupid ("You have a nanny? What's her name?", "My nanny? Her name is, uh, Zanny"). To a large degree, I truly empathize. Beyond that though, many of you are being full of shit and you need to know that about yourselves.
  • "Justice must be served!" - Listen, you blowhard. You're not going to go out and get revenge. You know it. You're just not. So why waste time and energy talking about it? Caylee Anthony was one of 1.494 kids who were murdered in the United States in 2008. Can you name another? If you're serious about doing something about this situation, try getting involved with a program in your community that helps at-risk moms and kids. You can't get justice for Caylee Anthony but you can play an active role in preventing an injustice committed against some other kid somewhere. If you're not willing to do that, fine. But quit spewing pointless rhetoric, flip the channel and find another lurid tv show to watch, because ultimately, that's all this was to you.
  • "Let's make a statement!" -  Wait...people don't like it when children are murdered? I guess not; look at all the porch lights left on! Who knew? Okay, noted. Thank goodness for "movements" like this. Of course, an alternative is getting out of the house, knocking on a door or two and learning what is going on in our own actual neighborhoods. Just think; we could save kids and lightbulbs!
  • "Casey Anthony is going to write a book and make millions off of this" - The only way Casey Anthony gets millions of dollars to tell her story is if the corporations who publish books think you're willing to pay many more millions to read it. What say you?
  • "The justice system is broken" - No, it isn't. The prosecution failed to prove their case and the jurors followed their instructions and did their job. And if you're ever accused of a crime, whether you did it or not, you're going to be glad it works the way it does.

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Happy Birthday, America!

I think everybody needs to really live it up today, the 4th of July, to commemorate America's Independence Day. Let's all enjoy and appreciate ourselves and each other and how fortunate we are just to be Americans and all the good that comes with it. Because it's probably the last chance for a while that we'll have to cut loose and celebrate anything like that for a while.
Think about it...

  • The 10th anniversary of September 11 is coming up right around the corner and even though Bin Laden is dead, it's not going to be a celebratory occasion. If anything, it will be one whopper of a  who-can-be-more-somber-and-poignant contest. Some people have already been practicing, the ones who gasp and are thrown into a temporary state of flashback-induced shock every time the numbers 9 and 11 are mentioned next to each other. A license plate number, a hotel room, the time of day, whatever. They hear the numbers and they make a big display of being overcome with "oh god, it's like I'm experiencing the horror all over again for the first time" before recovering bravely. Cripes almighty. Look, I know post-traumatic stress disorder is a real thing that people struggle with but if the possibility that a turkey club with a side of cole slaw and an iced tea might happen to come to $9.11 and that is going to push you over the edge every single time you eat at a restaurant, get some serious help. Or at least order something else.
  • After that, we breeze through Halloween, and that's fun because Yay! Everyone is dressed like a slut! But then we run smack into The Big Three of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, which, based on the amount of bitching done by people I know, nobody enjoys anymore. I mean at all. Which makes me wonder why they (we) still do it.
  • It won't be long after that's all over that the 2012 presidential election process heats up and that mess gets nastier every four years. Get ready to have people call you stupid and tell you that you hate America. And the more you protest to the contrary, the more they'll say that proves how much you hate it until eventually, yep, you will hate America, at least certain chunks and residents of it. Last time we had contentious 'Town Hall Meetings" and people stepping on their ideological opponent's heads. This time, I fully expect us to just set each other on fire or pee on each other or both (but not in that order).
So today, while we still can, let's all watch a baseball game, enjoy some fireworks, eat something cooked on an outdoor grill and listen to some good ol' American music (whatever you're into, however you classify
"American" music: personally, I'm planning to lean heavily on a four man rotation of Glenn Miller, Buddy Guy, George Strait and Sly Stone, but I have Cuban-American neighbors and there tends to be lots of coming and going between apartments in my building on holidays so I'm sure there will be some Francisco Aguabella, Celia Cruz, Arturo Sandoval and Cachao López in the mix, which is cool). Because it's probably going to be a while before we feel like sitting down with each other and doing it again.
And also because HELL YEAH!!

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On tolerance

"Intolerance is just plain old dumb." -- Jeremy Gloff


(An innocuous comment I got from somebody I like and respect a great deal inspired me to write this. I'll apologize right up front if it's too soap box-y. Beyond that, I ain't apologizing for nothin'.)


I'm a heterosexual, Caucasian dude and I have a diverse group of friends, with just about every possible racial and/or gender classification represented, but I'm not a fanatic about that. I couldn't tell you how many gay or black or Hispanic friends I have because that's not the reason they're my friends. My friends are my friends because as far as I'm concerned, at least one thing they have going for them is that they aren't assholes. I don't like assholes. In fact, I hate 'em and I enjoy that.

So for what it's worth, I completely understand the appeal of hating people. Honestly, I do. I can see how hating people could be a lot of fun. Especially when it's a big group kind of deal, with one group of like-minded individuals getting together to hate another one. Then it's a social activity! You get to make and carry signs, wear matching tee shirts and mindlessly chant rhetoric. Plus, there's fresh air and sunshine. I can totally see where people would really enjoy that kind of thing. It's just that for me, well, I prefer to focus my hatred on individuals who are actually a pain in my ass (apply pun as necessary). When it comes to large scale hatred of groups of people who are different from me yet not actually having a negative impact on my life, I don't care. And I don't mean "I don't care" in a high-minded, 'look at me as I pound my fist on a podium, screaming I DON'T CARE in the hope that somebody notices how passionately tolerant I am and gives me a shiny gold medallion with Martin Luther King Jr. on one side and Harvey Milk on the other' way. I mean I just don't care. Let me give you an example. I don't enjoy infomercials on television. But I could be lying on the couch on a Saturday afternoon when some boob comes on to talk about how he's invented the ultimate vacuum cleaner. If I can't reach the remote, I will just lie there and watch him suck up all manner of items that may or may not ever have a chance of being spilled on my carpet until the next time I absolutely have to get up (circumstances that involve at least two of the following: getting food, going to the bathroom or a grease fire). Now, if I'm not willing to put forth the effort to squelch something that's actually annoying me in my own home, what makes you think I have any interest whatsoever in what my neighbors are doing in the privacy of theirs? I guess what I'm saying is that hatred on that level seems like an awful lot of extra work and I'm just too lazy, disinterested and self-centered for it.
Let me give you another example:

WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE ASSHOLES COME TO GET ME TO SUPPORT THEIR STUPID CAUSE
(KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!) "Hey Clark, come with us downtown. We're going to protest the homos!"
"Uhhhhh...what time is it?"
"It's like 5:30 in the afternoon. Why aren't you dressed?"
"Uhhhhh...I am dressed. There's an infomercial about vacuum cleaners and..."
"Why don't you have any pants on?"
"Don't judge me."
"Look, just come on. These dirty homos, they want to get married to each other and teach our kids in school and join the military. We're going to yell and carry signs, maybe even get arrested! Here's a tee shirt. Put on some pants and let's go."
"Wow, that sounds like a whole...thing. And I'm not sure I'm into it. Let me ask you this: on what level will this impact me, as an individual?"
""Well, it's more that we feel that their existence is threatening our beliefs and our way of life..."
"Yeah, I'm not sure what that means. Are you trying to change their minds and make them turn straight? Do you want them to move back to Mexico? Do you want them rounded up and kept in concentration camps? I don't think any of those things will happen. Also, none of the things you just mentioned would seem to have me ending up in bed with some other dude and that's really the only concern I have. Is the expectation that if they aren't 'stopped' from doing something or other or whatever it is you're hoping to accomplish, that I will be somehow legally required to have sex with men? And if so, how exactly would that work? Would there be a new government office in charge of arbitrarily pairing us off or would I at least have some sort of say in who the dude is, or dudes are? Because I can tell you without even thinking hard about it that facial hair is going to be a potential deal-breaker for me."
"..."
"And penis size. Major, major concerns there."
"Uhhhhh..."
"Right. I can tell you haven't thought this through. Like, at all. So I'm going back to bed. Leave me and the homos alone, please."

Please note, this is just an illustration of why I don't personally get involved in hatred. It doesn't mean I condone the hateful actions of others. On the contrary. I'm very devoted and loyal to the individuals who are my friends and I don't appreciate it when they're harmed or even threatened. If you're somebody doing this to people I care about, you're an asshole and I hate you...but strictly as an individual. Hey, fair is fair. 

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